i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
