i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I wish there were birth control emojis
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
