i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
