Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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