My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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