He is such a slut. More and more my type.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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