my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Holy sore nipples Batman
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
