My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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