I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We named our party play list daddy issues
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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