with your own penis?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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