I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
