dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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