Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
