I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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