We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
