Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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