Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I love having hate sex.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
