Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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