We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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