Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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