How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
