You can't motorboat a personality
I met the friendliest cop last night
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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