Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
