There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
