Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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