paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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