On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
