Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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