I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
