i jhust puked up my retainher.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Randomize
