I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
