The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
