I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I wish there were birth control emojis
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
