wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
