He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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