My entire life is one complicated drinking game
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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