I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
