Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
