Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
