why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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