He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
