you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
