I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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