Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
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So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
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I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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