fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
