After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
