Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
