She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
