Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
