He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
