Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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