I just pynch a tree in the face
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
