Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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