Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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