He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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