Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
