his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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