I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize