FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
